Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
