You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
