I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize