How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
