Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
