believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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