are you still at the devil's house?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I want her autograph on my taint
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
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