I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
