I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
