I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
