I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
