just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
