you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
