Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
