A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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