I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
