Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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