I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
