It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
