remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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