Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
