I just made out with a guy for $7.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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