i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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