I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The air taste purple.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize