Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
