I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
