I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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