I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
