from now on my penis is your penis
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
