dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
