Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
