Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
