guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
