You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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