the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
