he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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