You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
