Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize