he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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