you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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