My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
