what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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