im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
