apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
