theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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