She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
