I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize