His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
