God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
