I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
