Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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