White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So here I am, sexting at work.
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