I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
