So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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