There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
